Lonely In Old Age: How Wives, Children’s Absence Make Life Difficult For Men

It is becoming a norm, an ugly reality for some men. Once they reach retirement age and their children leave for greener pasture, their wives would galavant all round the world, help their children to nurse their kids. Most times, the men are left at home, lonely and abandoned. OLUWATOSIN OMONIYI reports that there may be undertones to such incidents

Preparing for old age isn’t what should be taken with kids’ glove. It shouldn’t be scary mostly for men in their old ages.

It rather should be an all round wellness. While some graciously look forward to that age when they would no longer have to be involved in the hustle and bustle of daily bread or fending for the family, some others get scared and wish they could turn the hands of the clock backward. That is so as to give them more room to enjoy the strength of their youth and prepare for the old age.

Long words short, it is food for some, while it is poison for others.

From the little interactions Sunday Telegraph had with some lonely men, those not looking forward to the unavoidably old age era are those who are not prepared for it, in the least.

Some of them are those who don’t get the favour of the wives of their youth due to some misunderstanding that perhaps have become irreconcilable or unpardonable but just persevered for the sake of their young children. Women in this category wait for the old age when their men have become powerless, less authoritative and now at the mercy of the women and children. Hence, they would strike with all the venom in them.

And to some men, the wives they have suppressed or maltreated in one way or the other, who had lost their voices in the marriage, whose love for their husbands have been transferred to the children and whose inner beasts have been repressed for a long time, will not waste a single moment to unleash the beasts inside of them when the old age era approaches. They unleash it several ways on the men.

One of those common ways is the ‘Omugwo’, an Igbo word for post Natal care of women in child bearing she by their mothers or older women. That is when they have to go for their children’s house to help nurse a newly born child. This period, the women who are now known and called ‘mama’ or ‘grandma’ take full advantage as a period of their freedom from the ‘bondage’ of their marriage. Majority of the mamas go for the Omugwo without looking back or feeling a pinch of guilt. For them, it is payback time!

Surprisingly, (SCIENCE) women seem to be stronger and favoured by nature at their old age than their male counterparts.

Mr Tewobola and Mrs Arinola Johnson had been married for 37 years, a marriage that ordinarily, younger couples would have wished for and hoped to grow old with each other. They were married at their youthful age, grew up in thick and in thin, weathered and waded through the storms of life together. Definitely, they would have sinned against each other , forgiven and forgotten each other’s differences and laughed at their pasts.

But the above summarised philosophy does not match the Johnsons, as at exactly 37 years of their marriage, when Tewobola turned 67 and Arinola turned 62 and their children grown and have even started raising their own families in their various destination of abodes. The saga started when Arinola otherwise called ‘Mama’ went to America to help her son whose wife got delivered of a baby girl, a practice the Nigerian culture terms as ‘Omugwo’. Mama spent eight months in America without looking back. She didn’t even bother about her husband. According to Pa. Johnson, the children told him that she would only spend three months and return home.

So, he had conditioned his mind and worked out to cope for the three months alone with his driver. “My ex-wife never looked back nor considered that I had some health issues, of which she was always the person administering my timed medications.”

Pa. Johnson was always seen at a popular family club as early as 8am till 8pm before returning home.

He would join some league of other old men of his age, lined up for coffee/tea and breakfast. They throw banters and jibes while telling either some age long stories or comparing current and past affairs.

For three straight weeks, Sunday Telegraph observed Pa. Johnson and his friends. The third week happened to be the day this correspondent witnessed some emotional moments with the man that seemed the most vibrant of his friends.

He sat with his lawyer, a young lady in her mid-20s and a little boy on her lap. Pa Johnson asked his lawyer to rewrite his Will in the favour of the young lady and the child she has for him! Pa Johnson told Sunday Telegraph that he has gone past the stage of sentiment but reality has set in and taught him to love himself first. “Reality hit me badly that self love is the most important factor in life,” he said.

He narrated how he sent all three children to the best schools without any contribution from their mother, fended for them, provided all their needs, even exposed them to going abroad, its lifestyle and ensured they all got settled in various countries- United Kingdom, Canada and America.

“But today, their mother is the one reaping the fruit of my labour over them alone,” he said.

The lawyer explained that mama refused to come back to Nigeria after doing Omugwo at America and UK for eight straight months and the children did not have pity on their father back home, who has no one with him except his driver.

Often times, Pa Johnson was seen carrying empty plastics of food in the car, in order to buy food on his way going home. He said he would warm the food in the morning or evening. When Pa Johnson was tired of that lifestyle, boredom and depression setting in for him, nearly affecting his mental health, he opted to join the popular family club where he would see people and his age mates, whom he could interact with. He would also be opportune to enjoy part of the programme the club set for the aged- free breakfast and counseling moment. During one of the counseling moments, Pa Johnson exploded that what he found shocking was that his wife came back to Nigeria a year and half later without informing him.

He said he saw a taxi pull up in front of his gate; he wondered who it was. Alas, it was his wife after several months away from him. It was a mixture of bitter/sweet feelings for him but that was shortlived as his wife just softly walked past him in the sitting room, where he pretended to be sleeping on the couch, went in, took some of her documents and few belongings and was heading back to the waiting taxi outside. “I stood up and demanded to know what was going on. She replied me that she had been in Nigeria for past two weeks to come see her newly completed building and heading back to America that night. I was shocked beyond words but I summoned courage to ask her further why that act of betrayal. She spat in my face all of my wrong doings in our early days of marriage. She accused me of cheating on her, beating her twice, talked down on her and a whole lot that I can’t make sense out of! Again, I was dazed because all of the allegations were when we were about 15-20 years old into the marriage. What it means is that she nurtured that grudge for 17 years against me! What a betrayal?! I remember that I prostrated to beg her. Our pastor, her parents and our children begged her. I took her to America for shopping, came back, changed her car, funded her business more. And she told me that she got more than enough compensation. As a matter of fact, I remember that she jokingly told me if I would commit more sins, so that she could get a 10-storey building from me. We laughed and I promised her that nothing would make me go back to my vomit. So, she actually waited for me to get to this stage before showing me her true colour,” Pa Johnson narrated.

He continued that he concluded to get a new and younger wife, mostly for companionship’s sake. So, he went for their former domestic help, whom he believed already understood all about him, health challenges and medication to go with it. “Before I ask for anything, she already knows and even my feeding time. She is just the accurate person for me. I went for her, first joined this family club, then married her properly and set up for her, a big tailoring shop right in front of the house. Somehow, I got a bit of my life back in order but with a serious dent due to betrayal from my children and ex wife.”

Pa Johnson said all his children had conference meeting online where they tongue-lashed him and condemned his action of going for their former house help. He said his children sent some people here in Nigeria to come harass his new wife and chase her out of the house.

To solve that problem, he had to use the police intervention.

Anyway, Pa Johnson told Sunday Telegraph that he has no regret with starting his life all over with his former house help and having a child with her, which is why he willed more than half of his property to her, enough to take care of the child when he is gone.

Hardly had Pa Johnson finished telling his story, Pa James Adeyemi reeled out his own story, which he believed is more pathetic than that of Pa Johnson’s. He narrated to Sunday Telegraph that he was married for 42 years with his wife, whom he described as devil in human’s clothing.

Her offence and reason for abandoning her husband at age 71, according to Pa Adeyemi was that his wife denied him sexual intimacy for nine years. He was left with the option of opting for a mistress outside his marriage. Aside that excuse, his wife was constantly complaining of one health issue or the other, also attending parties.

“I really can’t explain how I lost my loving wife of 42 years of marriage. She was the root of my life. She would wait upon me, chose my shirt, tie and the belt to match. She would also cook and dish my lunch for me to carry to the office. Suddenly and in truth, her health began to fail her when she was around 55 years; caused by menopausal issues. She changed totally in mood and action. Nothing seemed meaningful to her again. She became resentful towards me. Luckily, one of our children in far North got delivered of a baby boy. She travelled there for four months and from there, she began a trade that required her to be travelling back and forth.”

Pa Adeyemi continued that whenever she comes home, she would deny him of intimacy and this went on for nine years.

He said, even when she was around, he would still go out to go buy food for himself and in most cases, she would eat out of it and leave the plates for him to wash, according to Pa Adeyemi. “In my hay days, my wife wouldn’t try such nonsense with me but now, if I raise my voice and she reports to the children, life would become hellish for me. The children may even deny me monthly allowance,” he said. “Sincerely, old age is more favourably disposed to the women folk. Everything about that era is in their favour, I believe,” Pa Adeyemi added.

Well, as it is, Pa Adeyemi lost his mistress and companion to the cold hand of death during a fatal accident on her way going to work early hours of the day.

“My only true and understanding companion, who loved me, tolerated me more than my wife and never got tired of me. I lost interest in life until my friend introduced me to this prestigious family club that has lot of considerations for people of my age.

Pa Nasiru Olobada was rescued by his neighbours while gasping for breathe. He was rushed to a nearby hospital where certain amount of money was needed to be deposited before treatment could commence. Two of his neighbours, who rushed him to the hospital searched the old man’s phone and called two of his children, who said there was nothing they could do; that perhaps, it was their father’s time to go and that would be a great relief to them! Frustrated and not wanting to take him back in that position, one of the neighbour (Good Samaritan) paid the hospital fee. Pa Olobada came round and managed to give his wife’s number to this correspondent.

With much persuasion and cajoling, she came to her husband’s apartment but with terms and conditions, which included that Pa Olobada must cease smoking marijuana and taking strong local gin.

She complained that whenever he takes those things, her husband loses his senses and misbehaves.

She narrated to Sunday Telegraph why they ( she and the children) abandoned Pa Olobada. According to her, for more than 30 years of their marriage and right from his youthful age, her husband has always been an irresponsible man till his old age.

She narrated that while her husband was working in an oil company, she was scouting between different menial jobs like domestic work, washing clothes for people, cleaning houses and helping people to carry loads in the market for a fee (what the Yoruba call Alabaru) among other odd jobs That was so as to be able to feed her five children.

She said nothing was wrong with her husband but he just wasn’t available for her and the children. “Whenever he disappeared from the house for days, we know he had collected salary or hit a jackpot and has gone to spend it with his concubines. The burden got so much on me to the extent that I had to withdraw all the seniors (1 and 2) of my children from school and asked them to join me in the menial jobs, so as to be able to fend for their younger ones and help in training them in school. Yet, their father never for one day asked why the children got withdrawn from school or asked why they were sent back from school.”

She continued that the situation got so bad that two of their previous landlords drove them out of their houses for not paying rent and maintaining their houses but they had nowhere to go, hence, she distributed her children to her neighbour’s place to spend two nights pending when she was able to think straight on what to do.

In the process, her eldest daughter, who was 13 years old then got defiled by her neighbour’s husband.

“I reported to my husband. He only replied that I should take the children to my mother’s place in Osun state.

“In those critical moment, where was “Baba Bukky”(as she was used to calling him).

“He wasn’t responsible and never stable on his footings as he was constantly drunk,” she said.

Pa Adeyemi’s wife said she adjusted to his nonchalant attitude and his irresponsible ways of life. According to her, his family members said ‘if I cannot cope with him, I should leave the marriage with my children and none of them would get angry with that decision. I couldn’t leave then. Even though I had tried severally, it didn’t work out because there is this his family tradition that any child born to that family cannot be raised outside his/her father’s presence. Otherwise done, the child would develop temperature and fall sick.” She explained.

Evangelist Olobada as she is commonly called, said she and her children went on this way, got used to the suffering and that was what drove her to becoming a religious fanatic, praying to God to see her through the predicament. She narrated that her husband was a genuinely irresponsible man,who hardly drops feeding money for the home front but would come home to disturb her for food.

She recounted two incidents that made her vow never to forgive Pa Olobada; the day he came back home drunk and with a woman and chased them out of the house. The second time was when he got locked up in Panti police station for one year for duplicating and selling the then AP engine oil. She said she ignored all of his wrong doings and kept faith with him, kept taking food to him while in prison. The week he got freed, “my husband didn’t come home to check on us and the children. It was at Panti police station that I got to learn he has been freed. When he eventually came home, he gave me beatings of my life for going to ask after him at the station. He said, do I want him re arrested?” She explained.

Evang. Olobada story changed for good and power changed hands when her daughter who was working as a sales assistant got promoted to sales supervisor, which came with a package of travelling to UK for a six- month course.

After the course, the boss retained her to the London branch. Bukky’s story too changed and she did not forget how she left her mom and siblings back home. She asked that all her siblings go back to school, established a big retailing store for her mom. Then, she got a new apartment for her parents, not minding what the father had done earlier.

By this time, the father had clocked 69 and that was the time, Evang. Olobada struck.

She waited for the right time to get back at Pa Olobada.

She and the remaining four of her children refused to move into the new apartment with their father for more than a month until the incident happened. Consequently, Pa Olobada began living alone, washing and doing house chores alone. Pa Olobada’s neighbour (the Good Samaritan) told Sunday Telegraph that he thought the old man was living with his children and grand children because he does see the old man around some people sometimes. “I didn’t know the old man still does some silly moves. Until now, I didn’t know he smokes strong stuff and takes hard gin. It is now when he was trying to tell you his side of the story that I got to learn that he has concubines. Baba, at this stage, you should let go off certain things. This is the stage for you to reunite with your family and reconnect with your maker in spirit,” he advised.

Source: New Telegraph